The Cool on Purpose Guide to Taking a Shit at Someone Else’s House

This guide will be broken down into easy to follow steps to help you comfortably and safely take a dump at a friend or acquaintance’s house.

1. Try not to wait until the last minute. You want to maximize the preparation time you have beforehand if possible. Even though the prep time necessary is relatively short, every second counts.

2. Distract whoever’s there. Try to ask them to do something for you that should take some time to complete, like prepare you something to eat.

3. Make sure you have toilet paper on hand. Plenty. Having none or running out mid wipe could be disastrous. If there’s not enough already in there, locate your host’s stash and stock up.

4. Make sure there is a plunger on hand. You don’t want to take a Count Dooku and flood someone’s pad. There’s no way you’re going to be able to fix that without them finding out. You’re practically unarmed in the land of poo without your broadsword of doo.

5. Lock the door. Nothing is worse than having someone walk in on you mid push while you’re gopher holing.

6. Open a window. I prefer this method to the fan method because turning on the fan is like shouting, “I’m taking a dump!” from the rooftops. This will lessen the likeliness that someone will know what went down if they happen by or follow suit.

7. Locate the water source. This is often the most overlooked step. In case of clogging, you will need to turn off the water source even before you reach for the plunger. It’s usually a small, four pronged lever situated near the lower left side of the toilet behind the bowl. In case of emergency, just turn it clockwise all the way and you should hear the water shut off. Turn it counter-clockwise to turn it back on.

8. Courtesy flush. Courtesy flushing reduces the amount of smell generated, as well as lessen the likelihood of the toilet getting stopped quicker than a new show on NBC starring a semi-famous, former child actor. Perform this maneuver by simply flushing every time you hear something touch water. Every time. If after flushing, the toilet sounds like a jet engine and whooshes down your poopage like it’s ejecting it into space, than you can cease courtesy flushing until the final flush.

9. Do not use too much toilet paper at once. This will increase the likeliness of clogging.

10. Spray if possible. Mask that scent. If you followed all of the previous steps correctly, you shouldn’t have to cover up much…unless you had PF Chang’s spicy anything.

11. If you get caught. Joke about it. Be confident. Feeling guilty for laying down the log will only bring on further hazing.

Extra tips

• Courtesy flushing could potentially give you away if someone in the house is listening, but is still recommended.

• Don’t squat for fear of germs. There are more germs on the handle of a telephone than the surface of a toilet seat. Squatting will give you unnecessary height, which could result in backsplash (when the velocity of your dump plummeting from an increased height sends icy cold droplets of toilet water up into your nether regions).

• Check the seat for pubes.

• Try to leave the restroom in the condition that you found it.
Happy crapping!

- By Lion El Aton

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