5 Insects from Hell that aren't Cool on Purpose
5. Gejigeji - Scutigera Coleoptrata
Fuck this creature. Have you ever seen these before? Apparently they're sort of common in America, but of course in Japan they have the Godzilla, town destroying versions of them... that they keep as pets! Gejigeji are actually house centipedes with 15 pairs of legs. Why would anything need 30 legs... especially when each leg is that fucking long? If the look alone wasn't badass enough for you, consider the fact that gejigeji actually hunt cockroaches and spiders and other unfortunate insects to cross their path. I don't know what creature would try to hunt this thing but the gejigeji can apparently detach any of its legs on a whim if caught by a predator.
They can run as fast as 0.4 metres per second and jump! Yes, jump! They can sting the shit out of you by administering venom through their legs so don't think humans are safe. They also hunt at night even though they have well developed eyes, I believe for no other reason than to appear as terrifying as possible. They can wrangle several insects at once with a technique called "lassoing" and also have been known to beat prey into submission with their legs.
4. Brazilian Wandering Spider - Phoneutria Nigriventer
Take a look at what is truly the most dangerous spider in the world. You don't believe me? It holds the Guinness world record. It's a super fast, aggressive, and venomous spider native to Central and South America. The genus this spider is from is called Phoneutria which means "Murderess" in Greek. Rather than build a web and wait around for food to come to it like a sissy, the Brazilian wandering spider roams the jungle floor at night looking for trouble like an eight-legged terror. Hence the name, 'wandering spider'.
Being the most venomous spider in the world is apparently not enough. The wandering spider can cause priapism in humans (uncomfortable long lasting erections that can result in impotence. Because many of the spiders live near highly populated areas, they often take refuge in homes, boots, and any other shady hiding spot during the day. Their favorite hiding spot being in bunches of bananas. You thought you were going to have a nice, potassium filled fruit to enjoy with your breakfast, but instead, you got a bloodstream full of deadly neurotoxins. The world is a dangerous place.
3. Bullet Ant - Paraponera
I know what you're thinking. How can an ant be any worse than the last two? Well what if I told you that this ant has the most painful sting of any creature in the world according to the Schmidt Pain Index. 'How would could someone accurately determine the most severe stings in the world to produce a scale from the results?' you ask? Exactly how you'd think. A gentleman by the name of Justin O. Badmuthafuckin Schmidt actually went out and got stung by almost every creature imaginable and then arranged it in order from least painful to nearly going into shock. In his words, "(The bullet ant sting delivers) pure, intense, brilliant pain. Like fire-walking over flaming charcoal with a 3-inch rusty nail in your heel." Do you know why they call it a bullet ant? Because the pain of a sting from this devilish creature is like being shot with a gun.
Locals call it the "Homiga Veinticuatro". For those non-Spanish speakers out there, that means "24 (hour) ant" for the 24 hours of shear pain following the sting. Schmidt describes it as, "waves of burning, throbbing, all-consuming pain that continues unabated for up to 24 hours." Also, "Paraponera clavata stings induced immediate, excruciating pain and numbness to pencil-point pressure, as well as trembling in the form of a totally uncontrollable urge to shake the affected part." People who have been stung have been known to shake uncontrollably throughout the night with severe sweats. Bullet ants can be found anywhere from the jungle floor at the base of a tree, all the way into the upper canopy. That means they can perform aerial assaults if they choose. On top of being able to carry items many times the size of it's body, the bullet ant also has an extremely powerful bite. So powerful in fact, that if it bites and object that cannot break, it will be thrown into the air by the pure force of its jaws. Fuck.
2. Japanese Giant Hornet - Vespa mandarinia Japonica
Japanese island giganticism strikes again with the Japanese giant hornet, the world's largest hornet. They normally grow to be two inches with a wingspan of three inches. You thought it was a game?! It's quarter inch stinger only adds to the intimidation factor. 'What does the biggest hornet in the world eat?' you ask. How about bees. The Japanese giant hornet actually attacks hives of bees by sending out a scout who then emits pheremones for the rest of his badass hornet buddies to know his location. A single giant hornet can kill forty bees per minute! What?! Who the fuck measured that?
Do you know how the Japanese giant hornet kills the bees? Decapitation. I guess the other forms of murder were not badass enough for the hornet. Apparently it takes only a few giant hornets a few hours to completely obliterate a 30,000-member bee hive. Usually the word 'giant' also implies slow, this is not the case with the giant hornet however. Rather, they can fly at speeds of up to 25mph. Keep in mind that the fastest humans on earth can only run a bit faster than this. I hope your cardio game is right otherwise, it's not looking good for you. After the Japanese giant hornet is done terrorizing an entire hive by meticulously murdering every adult in site, they then take the bee larvae (children) back to their own nests where they are fed to the hornet's offspring. Damn. How about one more fun fact to top off the pure terror that is the Japanese giant hornet. Every year, giant hornets in Japan kill more people than every other animal... combined. Every... animal... combined! And like all hornets, the fact that the stinger is unbarbed allows it to sting as many times as it damn well pleases.
Tarantula Hawk - Pepsis
Look at this thing! Shutter at the site of the most horrible insect in the world. Not only is it as long as the Japanese giant hornet, but it's stinger is even longer at 1/3 of an inch! Because its stinger is so large, only a few animals (like the roadrunner) can even eat them. Unlike the roadrunner however, they're on nearly every continent, so in most areas they go completely unchecked. The wings are that color only to let other animals know how fucking dangerous it is. Look at how ridiculously long the legs are. The ends are hooked for "grappling". That's what it says on Wikipedia, "for gappling with their victims". Do you know why they call this abomination of a wasp a tarantula hawk? Because it hunts tarantulas. You did not misread that.
The tarantula hawk doesn't just wait around hoping a tarantula crosses it's path. No. It goes into a tarantula's house to fuck with it. I don't know if you know this about tarantulas but they are the world's largest spiders. Some of them eat birds! This however means nothing to the tarantula hawk. The wasp will actually go in to the tarantula's burrow, sting the shit out of him until it's paralyzed, and then use it's grappling hooks for hands to drag it back to it's own nest. You'd think that that would be more than enough for the misfortuned spider to endure, but you would be wrong. The tarantula hawk then lays an egg on the still living spider's body and covers the entrance to the nest. Then, when the larva hatches, it begins sucking the insides from the tarantula. Once the larva is large enough, it delves into the tarantula's body to continue savagely feeding on the beast, making sure to avoid vital organs until last to keep the spider living and fresh for as long as possible. It's sting is second only to that of the bullet ant, and only barely. Our buddy Schmidt, aka the only person crazy enough to voluntarily get stung by this foul creature, has this to say about the tarantula hawk, "(the pain is) blinding, fierce, shockingly electric. A running hair drier has been dropped into your bubble bath." Another researcher described it as "…immediate, excruciating pain that simply shuts down one's ability to do anything, except, perhaps, scream. Mental discipline simply does not work in these situations." After researching this creature I began to ask myself, "Why would GOD make such a thing?" Then I realized, this creature is not of GOD at all. Rather, a flying demon that has been unleashed on this unsuspecting world.
side note: I realize that spiders and centipedes are not technically insects, but I felt as though I needed to add the Brazilian wandering spider because no other insects could compete with the devilishness of the other three. Thank you to Joel for pointing out that centipedes are not insects.
See ya Space Cowboys...
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