Monday, April 11, 2011

The 13 Most Epic Fail Horror Movie Sequels



I want to make it crystal clear that nothing is as epic fail as this picture. That’s why I found it fitting to post with this list. One of the most prevalent Trends in Horror that comes back over and over again is the super lame horror movie sequel. The horror genre is not the only genre where this happens; it happens in comedy films a lot also e.g. America Pie: Band Camp. I can see the appeal for some filmmakers to use the success of a horror movie to create a sequel that they know will sell tickets (or DVD’s in most cases) just because people enjoy the first film, but this thought process is responsible for many sequels which are so epic fail that it brings shame to the first film. Time and time again there will be a horror movie with an A-list cast and a large budget that is well acted and executed. Then a group of different filmmakers get together, typically several years later, to create a sequel with a terrible script, almost no money, and actors who nobody has ever heard of. This is a list of 13 of the worst horror sequels in order from the most disappointing to least disappointing.

1) The Ring Two (2005) - I was stoked…STOKED about seeing this sequel which has basically the same cast except for the director, and after I watched it, it became painfully obvious why he didn’t want his name anywhere near this script. This movie was bad. It was a bigger let down than Sam Raimi’s return to horror with the PG-13 rated Drag Me to Hell, and that was really bad. When I go into a movie that I hope to love, it takes me a while before I can admit to myself that I hate it and it sucks. I keep rooting it on, and making excuses for it until it emotionally beats me down into submission and my soul aches as I tap out, and am left a shell of a man. “FINE, IT SUCKS!!” I scream. “HAPPY NOW?!?” That was the kind of emotional rollercoaster that is The Ring Two. First off, it is not scary, and the visuals are nothing like the first one. Secondly, the main boy character is at a super awkward age during the filming, and you kind of just want him to get killed off, but instead the movie keeps wanting you to want him to stay. There are other reasons this is a bad movie, but they are hard to put a finger on. I think you will be hard pressed to find anyone with a positive review of this super sequel letdown.

2) The Hills Have Eyes 2 (2007) – This was one of those movies where the main characters are active duty military but the script obviously was written by someone who was never in the military. Similar to The Ring Two, the remake of the original is a masterpiece and that’s why this movie stung like salt in a paper cut. It is literally one of the stupidest horror movies I've ever seen. It takes a lot to turn me off to a horror movie that has a lot of violence and eye candy, but The Hills Have Eyes 2 managed to pull it off; that’s the one impressive thing about this film.

3) Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (2009) - Was it really necessary for this movie to be made? I’m going to say, no. Spring Fever lacks the creative originality of the first. The party animal cop is the only returning character, other than Rider Strong who is in it for about 30 seconds. If you love Cabin Fever...you prob wont like this movie.

4) Vacancy 2: The First Cut (2008) - I mean, come on. If you like Vacancy, don't think that you need to see this banal prequel. The first one was great because the cast was dead on, and the acting was so realistic that you felt you were there. This is another cliche, teen, horror film with "the hot chick," "the hero," and "the comic relief," running from villains that we know too much about for it to scare or surprise.

5) Wrong turn 2: Dead End (2007) – A reality TV show filming in the words gets attached by inbred cannibals. It set itself up for failure with that plot. What makes it so bad is that the first Wrong Turn is a legitimate horror movie that you can take seriously.

6) Halloween II (2009) – In Zombie’s defense, I do not mind his remake of the original Halloween. Despite the fact that every character is the same in all of his movies, and that he decided to make Michael Myers HUGE, and that he felt the need to explain why Michael turned out the way he did, the second half of the original is pretty sweet and has some really cool visuals especially after he puts on the white William Shatner mask. That being said, I don’t know what he was thinking with the second one. The whole film is basically Myers walking around aimlessly stabbing everyone to death spliced with trippy hallucinations of his dead family. Also his mask is damaged to the point where it just looks silly.

7) Jeepers Creepers 2 (2003) – Who’d a thought?

8) Darkman 2: The Return of Durant (1994) – I don’t think I need to say anything about this one either, it would just add insult to injury.

9) Joy Ride 2: Dead Ahead (2008) Oh Joy Ride 2. If any movie could screw up the horror formula of two young attractive couples in the wrong place at the wrong time who get attacked by a serial killer, it would be this movie. I have never heard a killer with such a goofy and fake sounding voice in all my life. And, what’s up with us never being able to see the trucker’s face? I mean, what is this, Inspector Gadget? If you want plot holes and cheese, this is a pretty good bet.

10) Saw II (2005) – Don’t get me wrong, Saw II is a decent film, but it lacks the grit and mystery of the first, also it starts the franchise down the path of failure. The concept of several strangers getting trapped together in a situation they cannot explain all connected by some unknown reason is hard to pull off, and if it’s not done correctly it comes off as kind of anointing because every plot like that is pretty much the same. They all don’t trust each other, then they get to know each other, then they discover a connection between each other, then they uncover the dark pasts of each other, then they work together, then they stop trusting each other, then they turn against each other, etc. etc. etc. Also, the problem with almost every movie that has a twist at the end is the sequel tries way to hard to have a twist, and it comes across that way.

11) Hatchet II (2010) – This is a pretty lame horror movie, but the first one wasn’t any better. There is a fine line between horror and comedy because horror films have dark subject matter, and if it’s done wrong it comes across as humorous and once that happens all credibility atmosphere is lost. Hatchet II is like most horror sequels that turn really silly, where you never once feel like its real. You don’t connect with the characters, you aren’t scared of the killer, and you don’t care if the main characters live or die, and worst of all, the audience does not feel the escapism induced rush of fearing for their lives.

12) Return to House on Haunted Hill (2007) – The first movie had an all-star cast and a decent budget. This sequel… not so much. I think it’s official that any movie that is a sequel to a remake of an older film is always going to be an epic fail. If you disagree, prove me wrong.

13) Aliens (1986) – I can imagine a lot of people will disagree with me on this one, but Aliens is on this list only because Alien is such a good and unsettling movie that I can only watch its sequel with feelings of disappointment. Every shot in Alien is so incredible, and you actually feel as if you are stuck on that ship with an unknown alien being that is hunting you. Aliens is not as intense or as mysterious as the first, and it shows a group of military people getting picked off one by one, including the cheesy line spitting Bill Paxton.


Always dream, always create,
Stephen Martin
s.insight@gmail.com
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2 comments:

KYinMA said...

I can't grasp how you could be so spot-on with the first 12 and so blasphemously off on the 13th...haha. Alien was a truly fantastic film though.

Stephen Martin said...

It was risque I know. But, I had to follow my heart at the risk of public outcry. Hopefully my next list will all be spot-on to you.